My New Year’s Resolutions

In 2014, I pledge to…

…be more anti-social.

…steal all my music off the internet.

…invent a better pizza.

…wear more lacy black lingerie.

…invade a small country.

…eat more junk food.

…make millions in the rubber ducky industry.

…wrestle an alligator.

…find zombie Bin Laden.

…body slam a stranger.

…not forget about Dre.

…dare to stick my tongue to an icy pole.

…eat the worm.

…fail all of my classes.

…learn how to tie my shoes.

…stop being a sissy and fight the bully who keeps stealing my milk money.

…get all my belongings repossessed by the government.

…have at least one orgasm per hour.

…make the FBI’s most wanted list.

…make more enemies than friends.

…take over the world.

…find out who I got that STD from.

…start spamming people who I don’t like.

…eat my weight in fish sticks.

…teach my dogs to fly.

…procrastinate more.

…poke a badger with a spoon.

…stop exercising.

…stop working my street corner.

…get potty trained.

…shave myself from head to toe.

…bite off all my fingernails.

…make my own porn video.

…take pictures in the locker room.

…train my hamsters to hunt man.

…read less.

…get a mullet.

…wear my underwear outside my pants.

…learn how to shear sheep.

…figure out why I really need to be on seven social media sites.

…become a mail-order bride.

…purchase a carnivorous fish, but no fish tank.

…cause more road rage.

…be kinky more often.

…quit weed by taking up crack.

…go streaking more often.

…download twice as much copyrighted material as last year.

…spend all my vacations in cyberspace.

…make as many people hate me as humanly possible.

…fart in public.

…go further into debt.

…get an invisible friend.

…become one with my inner sociopath.

…start stalking my stalker.

…get married in a seedy bar.

…learn how to program a VCR.

…not strip for free anymore.

…learn the alphabet.

…bring back disco.

…sing like nobody is listening, but only in public.

…get more bang for my buck.

…get high on sharpies.

…befriend Bigfoot.

…play in rush-hour traffic.

…walk on the ceiling.

…rinse and repeat.

…lovingly care for my Chia Pet.

…forget my new year’s resolutions.

235a9-b211775820

~ by kriskodisko on January 1, 2014.

4 Responses to “My New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. at least you’re not going to drink the kool-aid…

  2. If you are planning on invading Monaco, I’ll meet you there- either in June or September, depending on when this house sells. If your tongue gets stuck to an icy pole, I’ll send my friend, Mike, over to laugh at you. He’s good at that sort of thing.

  3. This is the cutest list ever

  4. AAHAHAHHAHAHA. Love that pic. And good list. ;)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,085 other followers

%d bloggers like this: