A Sincere Message to the Ladies

I’d like to clarify a few things to all the ladies out there confused about why their relationship didn’t work, or why the guy didn’t notice her, or why he didn’t pick up on this signal or that. I hear these things all the time, from women I’m dating, women I’ve dated in the past, from my guy friends relaying what happened with their girlfriend, or from female friends. But first, let me give you my resume:

I’m 25. This may seem very young to some of you, and completely ancient to others, but it’s old enough that I know what the fuck I’m talking about, and young enough that I’m not yet a cynic when it comes to love. I’ve been in relationships lasting over five years, and I’ve been in one that lasted less than five hours. I’ve loved and lost, loved again, lost a few more times, and in the middle of all that I’ve accumulated a few general truths about women. Keep in mind, these don’t apply to all women or all scenarios, so chill the fuck out before you go about accusing me of generalizing the fairer sex. These are just things that I see far too often, and actually have relatively simple solutions.

1) Sex does not equal love. I, for instance, have the incredible superpower to have sex with a woman with no emotional investment whatsoever. It’s a gift. To do my best to avoid the complications of a woman falling for me when I don’t want to in this situation, I make it perfectly clear what sleeping with me entails (aside from the walk of shame in the morning). If it’s just sex, I make certain the woman I’m about to be with realizes this. I make it abundantly known that this is a one time thing (two or three, if she’s really good). Hell, I do everything but make her sign a waiver. This isn’t me being callous, this is me making sure she’s sleeping with me for the sake of sex, not to entrap me in a relationship that will not be pleasant for either of us based on that.

2) Men are not mind readers. The two scariest words I can hear in a relationship are “I’m fine.” Men, you know what I mean. “I’m fine” is a signal to throw down some smoke bombs and flee, because, in the words of Admiral Ackbar:

If you ladies are anything like some of my exes, “I’m fine” means anything but. And I later learned there are different types of not fine, and I was expected to guess which one. There’s the “I’m not fine, but leave it be and I will be,” which is directly contrary to the “I’m not fine, and I want you to realize this, dig it out of me, and make me feel better.” Go the wrong route and I could be in for three solid days of the silent treatment and the stink eye. Ladies, if you’re not fine, tell us. While we should be able to read your basic hints, you’re often somewhat inscrutable. Which brings me to:

3) Your hints are nowhere near as obvious to us as you think they are. How on earth are we supposed to know that you shrugging your shoulders indicates that you want to go out tonight? Especially if you do this while we’re reading a book or killing zombies on the Xbox. Rather than hinting at what you want, why not tell us? If it’s important enough for you to be upset when we don’t get the hint, it’s important enough to flat out inform us what you want us to know.

4) We need time away from you. This isn’t any kind of reflection on you or our feelings for you. But after the early period of being high off each other fades into being more comfortable, it becomes necessary for some space. Letting us go out with friends or sit in our underwear alone watching Spongebob is important for both sides of a relationship if you want to get out of it without reenacting a less-choreographed version of the final scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

5) Despite what sitcom comedy has taught us, women do need a personality. I don’t care how tremendous your rack is or what crazy shit you’ll do in the bedroom, if you want to be girlfriend material, you need to be able to hold a conversation with me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the sexiest part of a woman is her mind. You can jump from a 5 to a 9 in my eyes if you can talk dinosaur biology or evolution with me. Time and again I hear women lament about how men will sleep with them but not date them. If the only thing you bring to the table is sex, that’s all we’re going to take.

6) It’s OK for you to make the first move on a guy. This frustrates me to no end. Far too many women are of the mindset that it’s the guy’s job to go talk to the girl, or to ask the girl out, or to go in for the first kiss, etc etc. Fuck that. If you women want equality, try making a move on a guy. Every time a woman has done that for me, I’ve been impressed as hell. Your attractiveness automatically goes up a notch when you’re bold enough to approach us. And if you get rejected, so what? The worst that happens is he says no, and you’re in the exact same position you were before you asked him.

7) Communicate with us. I think most of these tips boil down to this one. Don’t go bitching to your friends about how we don’t take you out to dinner enough or go down on you enough if you never told us that we’re doing something wrong. If you act like everything is OK, why the fuck would we not think that everything is OK? I think every single failed relationship I’ve had lacked this, and that’s why they are FAILED relationships.

I hope this has been enlightening. If there are any women out there who didn’t need any of this advice, I’m taking applications for a new pre-ex-girlfriend. Submit your resume below.

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~ by kriskodisko on December 15, 2012.

10 Responses to “A Sincere Message to the Ladies”

  1. great advice!!! women reallllllly need to read this.

  2. I agree with all of the above 100%. One of the things that bug the ever living crap out of me is the whole, “I’m fine, don’t bug me..but I really want you to try to figure out what’s wrong with me.. but I’m just going to keep sending you mixed signals.” And when chicks don’t let guys explain things. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had so many examples of how NOT to act in relationships or what, but girls are just…stupid.

  3. Sad to hear about your departure from the other blogging site, but I will try my best to keep up with you here. I have a lot of similar feelings as you, which is funny because I am religious and have not had the same “wealth” of expereince that you have had in your past. Despite these differences and the way we may see dating, we are both single males in a culture, that in my opinion, puts a lot of blame on the men.

    I know from the religious side, people use the scriptures to say the man is the head of the household… which basically means all decisions, and therefore failures, are on him. This seems to apply to dating and also to single guys who cant find females to date or get in a relationship with.

    I have only ever gone out on one “official” date myself. All the other times, I thought I was getting closer to a female… We were friends, I would start talking to her more and more, then I would tell her I liked her and ask her out. The last time, instead of expressing my feelings, I simply asked her out (and had success for a while). Previously, I expressed feelings and was told they were not interested (but wanted to be “friends” = NOT).

    Which kind of brings me to another thought: It seems that in getting to know a man and initiating dating, females do not want men to have feelings or emotions about them… at least not expressed to them. Sometimes I think females want men to express emotions when they want, which shows, despite a lot of the equality and feminism talk, while women want to have more, they dont necessarily want men to have more, at least in regards to feelings, until they want them to have or express them. But again, this goes to your comments about mind-reading and good communication.

    There are many times I read blogs from females complaining about how the guy isn’t listening to her. I will ask: Have you asked him directly? turned off his x-box or unplugged his computer so he knows how serious you are? Have you ever brought it up directly instead of trying “hints”? Funny, a lot of times I dont get replies to those comments, which leads me to think they dont. They want him to read their minds and they also want their emotions validated: He is a jerk. He doesn’t listen. etc.

    I could say more, a lot more. One of the things I have never blogged about is my own experience in dating (so far it is being single and generic). I want to, I am just concerned I might be judged or someone will know who I am talking about, even if I change the names. But again, I feel it sucks, because I feel it would totally be socially acceptable for a female to “rant” or “share”, even by name, about her past but a guy is “whining” or “hurting a female” if he does the same thing. Such a double-freaking-standard.

    Also, sry about the break up. they always stinks, if it is mutual or if one is rejected.

  4. For some reason this post makes me really melancholy, while simultaneously making want to hug everyone who has ever been hurt and kiss the booboos on their soul. Not sure why.

    Regardless, glad I can follow you here, though. 🙂

  5. You’re right about most of the above, but you also have to realize that the reason we say we’re “fine” is because most of the time, men don’t want to hear anything but happy, positive shit. I have tried to tell my guy that I’m not fine, but he can’t handle the truth. Of course, I’m generalizing here, but that has been my experience. BTW, I was married for 22 years and now I am divorced and about to be married again. I also have two grown sons and they all like to keep their heads in the sand when it comes to confronting negative emotions. If it’s something you did to make us “not fine”, then grow a pair and realize it, apologize and try not to do it again. If it’s not something you did, then let us talk about it. Talking about it helps.

    That being said, I truly do hope that you find love and someone who communicates well with you. I always thought you had a lot to offer.

    (gottobereal64 from that other blogging place)

  6. I too am sorry you’re leaving “that other blog” but can well understand your reasons for doing so. Though I didn’t comment there often, I very much enjoyed reading your essays and I selfishly hope that you continue that kind of work here.

  7. Kudos. Very well said. Can I rec a post on wordpress?

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