Guide to the Manhug

You’re watching your favorite sports-type-team and cheering on your favorite player. He/she (just kidding… he) has just successfully completed a touchdown / home run / basket / goal / acquittal from rape charges. Your heterosexual friend turns towards you, jubilant, with arms outstretched. Pause! What do you do? Well, for your edification, I have here the rules of a proper manhug.

Rules of the manhug:

  • Once the hug is imminent, turn your head to the left, never right. Apply loud thumping slaps to the upper back for the duration of the hug, but never rub the back. Not only will such ritualized combat techniques dispel any thoughts of enjoying the hug, the thumping noise will cover up the sound of any moans that may inadvertently pass your lips.
  • Make an A-frame with your body to avoid inadvertent genital touching. A V-frame is not allowed.
  • Keep it brief. The three-second rule applies here.
  • Do not close your eyes. If you do close your eyes, think of baseball… but only the stats part of baseball, not the locker room or the non-stop ass-slapping parts.
  • No kissing unless you’re in the mafia. If kissing occurs, no tongue unless your mob boss leads.
  • Keep your hands above the waist.
  • Don’t allow yourself to melt into the embrace, no matter how secure and comforting. Also, don’t think of it as an embrace.

No.
  • Stand erect, but don’t think of the word “erect.”
  • Other terms not to think of: supple, firm, rugged, pecs, forbidden, steamy, nubile, engorged, throbbing, David Hasselhoff, gladiator.
  • After disengaging, throw a playful punch at the other person’s shoulder. Hell, throw a real punch! Damn him and those steely-blue eyes that look right through you.
  • Make a gay joke.

Congratulations. You have just had a successful manhug.

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~ by kriskodisko on July 29, 2013.

7 Responses to “Guide to the Manhug”

  1. Awesome advice there. Rules at the urinal would also be a good one.

    • At trough urinals follow the Ghostbusters rule: never cross streams.

      • That’s a good rule. Also, when leaving the urinal, NEVER turn and go – you must always reverse, like a car backing out of a tight parking space, whilst keeping your eyes on the wall in front, THEN turn and go!

  2. “Damn him and those steely-blue eyes that look right through you” lol

  3. Ahahahahaha. Is it weird that I am a girl and I still do the back-slapping thing to everyone I hug? O_o

  4. LOL!!

  5. Can this apply to a woman/man hug as well? I know we shouldn’t be allowed to watch sports with the menfolk (I would never even suggest such a thing!) but I was curious about the proper etiquette at say, a hometown sporting event, where I’m obliged to stand by the bleachers while serving beverages and snacks.

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