What Mormons Believe

This is an abridged version of the story of history as believed by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. All personal commentary will be in italics.

There was a man named Lehi who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BCE. Apparently everyone who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BCE was wicked and evil. Every single one of them – man, woman, child, fetus. God came to Lehi and said “put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here.” And thus God led them to America.

Yes, to America from Jerusalem by boat, further than Columbus traveled, and over 2000 years earlier.

Then Lehi and his descendants reproduced and reproduced, until 600 years later there were two tribes in America: the Nephites and the Lamanites. Now, the Nephites were completely good, each and every one of them. And the Lamanites were evil, each and every one of them.

Yeah, this seems perfectly reasonable.

After Jesus died for our sins, on his way up to heaven he decided to take a side trip to America to visit with the Nephites. And he told them that if they all remained totally good, each and every one of them, then they would win the war against the evil Lamanites. But apparently somebody blew it, because the Lamanites were able to kill all the Nephites. All except one, a man named Mormon, who escaped the slaughter by hiding in the woods. He made sure this whole story was written down in reformed Egyptian hieroglyphics, chiseled onto golden plates, which he then buried in upstate New York. And what happened to the Lamanites? They became the Native Americans, and their dark skin was a sign of a curse for their rebelliousness (the dark skin itself a symptom of the withdrawal of the Spirit of God).

Even though I doubt I need to inform any of you of this, but all genetic, historical and archeological studies completely refute the existence of ancient Jews in America. In fact, genetic tests show that Native Americans are descendents of Asians who entered the North American continent about 40,000 years ago.

Fast forward to the 19th century, when a man named Joseph Smith found these buried gold plates, basically in his backyard. And he also found this magical stone that he put into his hat and buried his face into it, and this allowed him to translate the reformed Egyptian into English. This is how we got the Book of Mormon.

Hey kids, can you say “con artist?” But what ELSE do the Mormons believe?

Every male hoping to become an official member of the church is to carry out a mission, most often proselytizing work with no pay, usually financed by themselves or their families for two years.

As annoying as you may think atheists are, at least we don’t go door to door forcing our beliefs down your throats. Although atheist proselytizers might be kinda cool.

Women cannot be prophets. Why? Because God gave them the most magical gifts, so when he was done the only gift he had left to give men was that of prophecy. What is this magical gift? Their longer life span? Being less violent then men? Nope, childbirth.

This seems a tad ridiculous. Even if a woman is pumping out kids as fast as she can from 15 to 45, you’d think at least one of them would have a little bit of down time to listen to the Word of God.

Black people were forbidden to be ordained as priests or to participate in official temple ceremonies until 1978, when Church President Kimball declared he had received a message from God declaring that all worthy males (including blacks, now) can participate in church activities. The LDS Church now preaches against racism, yet maintains that the pre-1978 prohibition of black clergy was God-given. The most common reason for this initial racism is that black people carried the Mark of Cain, which made them representatives of the devil.

“No, we’re not racist. I mean yeah, we WERE racist, but only because God told us to be!”

Many Mormons wear special temple garments, which I like to call magic underwear (this is considered heresy). They are worn to remind Mormons of their devotion to God and their church, and to protect against temptation and evil. The Mormon Church has countless stories about how these garments have helped save people from floods, car accidents, shootings, stabbings and explosions. You are not allowed to purchase magic underwear unless you can prove you are a part of the LDS Church, and then only after a special secret “endowment ceremony” held by the church.

Now, as inflammatory as this post may seem, I’ve never had a single person who was able to contradict the facts as I have them here, aside from minor technical issues. The broad strokes seem to be correct.

If you’d like to know more, this is a very informative alternative source.


~ by kriskodisko on August 2, 2013.

3 Responses to “What Mormons Believe”

  1. Religion is based on faith alone. Allegorical tales should be taken as allegorical tales (which does fly in the face of fundamentalism but not necessarily religion itself.) That being said, the racist beliefs held pre-1978 is pretty damning.

  2. There is no daylight between faith and reason, in a true religion. Most religions are filled with contrived poppycock, in their modern forms, thus negating the original truths on which they are based.

  3. I saw the South Park episode about this – it was bloody hilarious!

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